Legalese

LEGALESE

IN THE MATTER OF:

SHARKS WHO ADVERTISE ON TV, ET AL.
Plaintiffs,
v.
LITTLE GUY MAKING A LIVING
Defendant.

CASE NO. 1987-2026-DC-MD-VA
JURISDICTION: Inside the Beltway and Wherever I Felt Like Going

NOTICE OF DISCLAIMER AND TERMS OF ENGAGEMENT

TO ALL PERSONS WHO MAY READ, SUBSCRIBE TO, OR OTHERWISE ENGAGE WITH The Process Server Chronicles:

KNOW YE that the undersigned, hereinafter referred to as “The Author” or “That Guy Who Showed Up at Your Door,” does hereby provide notice of the following terms, conditions, and disclaimers governing your access to and use of this publication.

I. REGARDING THE VERACITY OF THESE STORIES

WHEREAS memory is an unreliable witness;
WHEREAS time has a way of smoothing rough edges and sharpening dull ones;
WHEREAS some stories benefit from a little narrative oxygen;

BE IT KNOWN that these Case Files are based on events experienced by The Author during his tenure as a private investigator and process server operating primarily within the District of Columbia, Maryland, and Northern Virginia between 1987 and 1995.

HOWEVER, The Author makes no warranty, express or implied, as to the complete factual accuracy of any given detail, dialogue, temperature reading, or Blockbuster rental choice described in any Case File.

IN OTHER WORDS: Did it happen? Mostly. Did it happen exactly like this? That’s not how storytelling works.

II. REGARDING FICTIONALIZATION, COMPOSITES, AND PROTECTING HUMAN BEINGS

WHEREAS litigation is expensive and The Author prefers to avoid it;
WHEREAS people have a reasonable expectation that their worst days won’t end up on the internet;

BE IT KNOWN that names, identifying details, timelines, and locations may be altered, redacted, combined, rearranged, or fictionalized. Some characters may be composites created from multiple incidents and/or multiple people.

FURTHERMORE, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events is either coincidental or the result of you having a suspiciously similar story.

EXCEPTION: The Author’s own name remains accurate because he’s the one writing this and taking the heat.

III. REGARDING “IS THIS ABOUT ME?”

If you believe a Case File identifies you (or someone you represent), contact The Author with specific concerns. The Author may, at his discretion, further redact or revise details that create a reasonable risk of identification.

NOTE WELL: This is not an admission of wrongdoing. It’s a practical attempt to keep the peace and keep the stories moving.

IV. REGARDING LEGAL ADVICE, PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, AND OTHER BAD IDEAS

WHEREAS some readers confuse storytelling with instruction;
WHEREAS laws, rules, and ethics vary wildly by jurisdiction (and by judge);

BE IT KNOWN that The Process Server Chronicles is storytelling, commentary, and entertainment. It is not legal advice, not professional guidance, and not a substitute for consulting a licensed attorney or a licensed/authorized process server in your jurisdiction.

DO NOT treat these Case Files as a “how-to.”
DO NOT copy tactics, approaches, scripts, disguises, ruses, stakeouts, door maneuvers, or “clever moves” you think you spotted in the narrative.

If you need real-world direction: hire professionals where you live. That’s what they’re for.

V. REGARDING LIABILITY FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS (AND DOOR-RELATED ANXIETY)

WHEREAS some readers may experience feelings of nostalgia, regret, or the sudden urge to check their rearview mirror;
WHEREAS others may develop an irrational fear of answering their door;

BE IT KNOWN that The Author assumes no responsibility for any emotional, psychological, or door-related anxiety resulting from reading these Case Files.

IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY AVOIDING PROCESS SERVICE, this newsletter will not help your situation and may, in fact, make it worse.

VI. REGARDING SUBSCRIPTION, PAYMENT, AND THE UNWRITTEN LAW OF “PAY FOR WHAT YOU LIKE”

WHEREAS free content is nice but doesn’t pay for Blockbuster rentals (RIP);
WHEREAS Insider Access subscribers deserve additional value for their investment;
WHEREAS The Author could use a beer after dealing with you people;

BE IT KNOWN that subscribers fall into categories as described on the subscription page, and offerings may change over time.

FOUNDING MEMBERS (first 100 subscribers) lock in pricing as stated at the time of purchase, subject to platform availability and reality.

VII. REGARDING COMMENTS, CONDUCT, AND GENERAL BEHAVIOR

WHEREAS The Author encourages lively debate and spirited discussion;
WHEREAS The Author reserves the right to delete comments that are abusive, spammy, defamatory, doxxing, or otherwise ruin the vibe;

BE IT KNOWN: Don’t post personal information. Don’t accuse real people of real crimes. Don’t “solve” the story by naming someone. Don’t make me be the adult in the room.

Insider Access subscribers who spoil the reveal for free subscribers before Thursday will be judged harshly in the comments section and possibly in the afterlife.

VIII. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY / ASSUMPTION OF RISK

To the maximum extent permitted by law, The Author and this publication disclaim liability for damages arising from your use of, reliance on, or inability to use the content—directly or indirectly.

If you try something you read here and it goes sideways, that’s not “my bad.” That’s “your choices.”

IX. INDEMNIFICATION (AKA: IF YOU MAKE A MESS, YOU CLEAN IT UP)

You agree to indemnify and hold harmless The Author and this publication from claims, damages, losses, and expenses (including reasonable attorney fees) arising from your conduct, your comments, your misuse of the content, or your violation of these terms.

X. FUTURE AMENDMENTS

WHEREAS life is unpredictable and sometimes you need to change the terms;

BE IT KNOWN that The Author reserves the right to amend these terms at any time. Material changes will be posted on this page and/or provided by email, smoke signal, or whatever modern communication method we’re pretending works.

XI. GOVERNING LAW / VENUE / SEVERABILITY

These terms are governed by the laws of the State of Kansas, without regard to conflict-of-law rules.

If any provision is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions remain in full force and effect—because I’m not letting one bad paragraph take down the whole operation.

XII. CONTACT INFORMATION

For questions, complaints, or to share your own war stories, contact The Author via the comment section or email.

DO NOT attempt to serve The Author with legal papers. He’s seen that move before.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

By subscribing to, reading, or otherwise engaging with The Process Server Chronicles, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and begrudgingly accepted these terms.

You further acknowledge that if you’re reading this at all, you probably have a sense of humor and/or a healthy distrust of people who knock on doors unexpectedly.

EFFECTIVE AS OF: January 29, 2026 (Kansas Day)

CHRIS LENGQUIST
The Process Server Chronicles
Defendant and Author

You’ve been served!

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE

All content published in *The Process Server Chronicles*, including but not limited to stories, case files, commentary, audio recordings, and accompanying materials, is the intellectual property of Chris Lengquist and is protected by United States copyright law and international copyright treaties.

**Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or transmission of this material, in whole or in part, without express written permission from the copyright holder is strictly prohibited.**

This includes but is not limited to:

- Copying or reproducing stories for commercial purposes

- Republishing content on other platforms or websites

- Creating derivative works without authorization

- Distributing audio content outside of authorized channels

**Fair Use:** Brief quotations or excerpts for the purpose of commentary, criticism, or news reporting are permitted under fair use doctrine, provided proper attribution is given.

**Subscriber Rights:** Paid subscribers are granted a limited, non-transferable license to access and view content for personal, non-commercial use only. This license does not grant rights to reproduce, distribute, or publicly display the content.

**For Permissions:** Requests for reproduction rights, syndication, or other commercial uses should be directed to Chris Lengquist via email or the contact information provided on this publication.

**Enforcement:** Violations of this copyright will be pursued to the fullest extent of the law.

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Not legal advice / not professional guidance / do not imitate tactics
Fictionalized/composite/altered details + no identification intended

PRIVACY POLICY

Last Updated: January 2026

The Short Version

I don’t sell your email address. I don’t share your information. I use your email to send you the newsletter you signed up for. That’s it.

If you want the legal version, keep reading.

What Information I Collect

When you subscribe to The Process Server Chronicles, I collect:

Your email address (so I can send you the newsletter)
Your name (if you provide it)
Your payment information (if you subscribe to Insider Access—handled by Stripe, not me)
Basic analytics (what you open, what you click—provided by Substack)

That’s it. I’m not tracking your location, your browsing history, or what you had for breakfast.

What I Do With Your Information

I use your email address to:

Send you Case Files every Sunday
Send you Insider Access content (if you’re a paid subscriber)
Send you occasional updates about the newsletter (new features, referral program, etc.)

I use analytics to:

See which Case Files people actually read
Track open rates and click-through rates
Understand what content works (so I can write more of it)

I do NOT:

Sell your email address to anyone
Share your information with third parties (except Substack and Stripe, who process payments)
Send you spam or unrelated marketing emails
Use your data for anything other than running this newsletter

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This newsletter runs on Substack, which means Substack has access to your email address and subscription data. They have their own privacy policy, which you can read here: Substack Privacy Policy

If you’re a Insider Access subscriber, your payment is processed by Stripe. They handle all payment information securely. I never see your full credit card number. Stripe’s privacy policy is here: Stripe Privacy Policy

Your Rights

You can:

Unsubscribe at any time (there’s an unsubscribe link at the bottom of every email)
Update your email preferences (choose which emails you want to receive)
Cancel your Insider Access subscription (no questions asked)
Request a copy of your data (email me and I’ll send you everything I have)
Request deletion of your data (email me and I’ll delete your account)

Cookies

This website uses cookies. Not the delicious kind—the internet kind. They help Substack track basic analytics (like how many people visit the site). If you don’t want cookies, you can disable them in your browser settings.

Changes to This Policy

If I change this privacy policy, I’ll update this page and note the date at the top. If the changes are significant, I’ll send an email letting you know.

Questions?

If you have questions about this privacy policy, reply to any newsletter email or contact me at: https://substack.com/@chrislengquist
Send me a message.

That’s it. No fine print. No hidden tracking. Just a newsletter about process serving and human behavior.

Chris Lengquist
The Process Server Chronicles
A Chris Writes, LLC Publication

Not legal advice / not professional guidance / do not imitate tactics
Fictionalized/composite/altered details + no identification intended